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8 years of tertiary education and about 561 mental breakdowns later: I've been offered a job for 2020 with the best hospital in the state and one of the best in the country. Honestly, right now I'm more relieved than thrilled, and I have a big outstanding assessment I need to get done by Monday which I've got no time to start till Saturday!

But. That said.

A giant reverse Oscars speech "fuck you!" to all the people along the way who said I couldn't do it. Who encouraged me to drop out, defer, or give up. Who ridiculed me or told me it was impossible to get through medical school with mental illness. Who made my life difficult or deliberately refused the support I needed, who criticised me at every turn because they thought I was "too lazy" to deserve this, who made me want to give up because of their attitude or their bullying behaviour.

And a slightly smaller, but no less heartfelt, thank you to all those who gave me the support I needed to get through this.

It feels good to look back and reflect on all the times I was unsure about my future, and desperately hoped I'd get there in the end. And terrifying to realise the magnitude of what I wanted, hurtling around the corner, and the responsibility it's bringing with it. No going back, now.

(It's not fandom-related, but blogging is intimidating and nonfiction topics are easier! A bit.)

After just spending the last 40 minutes washing, toning, drying, and detangling my hair, I was pondering just how annoying it is to have unnaturally-dyed grey hair. So, two-and-a-bit years after the Big Change, I decided it was finally time to write that tutorial - the one I wished I'd had when I was considering getting a new look.

Long poast is long, but the cut ruined the formatting, so I apologise for your scrolling.

The Utterly Unfashionable Person's Guide to Dyeing Your Hair Grey!

1.1 Before You Decide

I've got to break it to you. This hair colour is going to cost you; money, time, anguish, and hair loss. It's not a one-off decision, but a constant process. You are fighting both nature and chemistry, and the battle is unceasing. This is not the colour for you if you can't bear the thought of regular, thorough maintenance.

Most importantly, it's a process that will involve bleaching your hair multiple times. The darker your hair is, or the more times you've previously dyed it, the more perilous this task becomes. This isn't something you can achieve in one sitting, and it will take anywhere from 2-4 salon visits to get your hair light enough to begin to colour. Given that you need to space those bleaching sessions out, to give your hair time to regain its strength, you're looking at possibly 1-3 months of a hair colour you hate.

If you're very experienced with bleaching your own hair, and confident you can do this without patchiness or melting off your precious locks, more power to you. For those of us not blessed with 360° mirrors and efficient, but patient hands - don't try this at home. Please, please, don't try this at home. From choosing the correct application of bleach, to hand-adjusting your colour mix to achieve a neutral grey, this process is best left to a professional. A serious, expert professional. Not your mate who's halfway through hairdressing school.

Yes, it's expensive. But the products you'll need to upkeep your hair are, too. I'm not sure there's a budget way to do this.

If you love grey hair, but don't want to commit to this turbulent long-term relationship, I highly suggest finding a good lace-front wig. They're always the perfect colour, they don't fall out, and it's a one-time purchase for years of beautiful hair.

1.2 Colour Theory and Your Hair

Alright. You don't believe me, and I don't blame you. How hard can it really be? Time to discuss the science (art?) behind that answer.

You see, grey isn't a colour. Grey is specifically the absence of colour. In reality, things which are "colourless" are white with varying levels of light-scattering to produce the grey hair you see on elderly folk. We (unfortunately) don't have the technology to completely strip hair of the proteins which give it colour, and are no longer produced in ageing. Or, I suppose, fortunately - given that any bleach that powerful would probably disintegrate the hair itself.

To achieve an artificial grey, we instead have to neutralise or cancel out all the other colours in the hair. I'm going to show you the colour wheel - your new best friend.

Complementary, or opposite colours cancel each other out, and make black, white, and grey - depending on the lightness of the tone itself. Like how when you wash all your paintbrushes, the water always turns black.

"Alright," I hear you say, "I've got brown hair, so I just need to chuck some green/blue dye in, and it'll turn dark grey, right?"

Nope. 'Fraid not. See, in order to deposit colour into the hair, it must be lightened significantly and its original pigments removed. The brighter, or more vivid you want your colour, the lighter the base needs to be. This is where the bleach part comes in.

Here's the next most important chart you'll see: the undertones present in each "level" of hair colour. Level refers to the lightness of the hair shade.

Image result for undertones of hair color

You'll need to be about a level 9 or 10 in order to dye your hair any shade of grey, except the darkest slate greys. Bleach doesn't work by jumping you up to level 10; it slowly lightens the hair, going through all stages in between. Your hair contains two main pigments; eumelanin (brown) and phaeomelanin (red-orange). Bleach works very well on eumelanin, but is much slower to degrade phaeomelanin. This means that when you bleach your natural hair colour - the left side of the chart - the underlying phaeomelanin will be exposed.

Yes. You're going to turn your whole head the colours seen on the right side of the chart.

Ever seen someone manage to turn their hair orange, red, or green after they bleached it? This is the reason why, and if you're suffering through multiple sessions of bleach, you may have to live with orange hair for a few weeks. It's okay. It'll be worth it in the end.

Once you've successfully turned your head canary-yellow, you - or your salon colourist, I hope - will be using the magic of the colour wheel to neutralise the yellow/orange shades and achieve a neutral grey.

Achieving a total and exact neutral grey is very difficult. Add too much purple, and the grey will look pinky/lavender - too much blue, and the hair may look dirty green. Like mixing primary colours. Here's some examples for you, using the exact same grey dye over slightly different blonde strands.

(I've ripped these from oVertone's blog, which you ought to read too.)

Strand 1: the starting hair colour was too blue or cool-toned.
Strand 2: the starting hair colour was too orange/warm-toned.
Strand 3: just right!

The worst part of this is that cool tones - blues, purples, greens, all fade far quicker from hair than red/warm tones. Even once your hair is perfectly neutral, it won't take long for your beautiful, metallic silver to turn dirty blonde once you've left the salon. This is something that all bottle blondes know well, but thankfully, they have a few tricks up their sleeve to help.

Less thankfully, it will require you to do some colour-correcting at home - and that's why I've just given you a crash course in hair chemistry.

1.3 Preparing For the Big Bleach

You've decided to go for it? Well, this isn't going to be easy, but there are a few things you can do to help the process along.

Fade out your old hair dye, if you have any, for as long as possible.
Don't wash your hair for a week beforehand, if you can possibly avoid it. The extra oils will protect your scalp, and your lovely locks.
Be prepared to cut off any hair which is stubbornly dyed, damaged, or otherwise over-processed. You'll thank me later, when it all grows back healthy and perfectly toned, and you didn't have to cut 6" off the hair you just spent $500 colouring.
Take breaks of 1-2 weeks between bleaching sessions.

I'd show you photos of my between-hair time, just to ease your pain. It was an awful honey-brown short bob thing that looked like a desaturated poop emoji atop my head. But y'know, privacy. Promise that's why.

You'll notice your hair change texture and behaviour after bleaching. Previously greasy hair may now be dry as a leaf, curls may loosen, your hair will "soak" up product in a way it never used to. This is, unfortunately, normal, and largely unavoidable.

2.1 Coming Home From the Salon

Likely, your colourist has bleached, toned, and then possibly added colour on top of that. Sometimes the toner itself is enough to neutralise your hair to get grey, and it's a two-step process only. Time to celebrate!

Ah, but what's this? You just got in the car, and your hair looks kind of green/purple/blue?! Don't worry, friend. I've got you covered.

Too blue/purple: there's just too much excess dye left in your hair. It'll wash out within a couple of weeks, so don't stress, and I've also got some products to help you expedite that.
Too brown/green: not enough dye went into your hair! Go back to the salon and ask them to re-tone it. Ideally, try not to leave the salon in the first place if you suspect it's brown or green.

I've been there. Date tomorrow, and your freshly-dyed hair looks bloody blue, not grey. You may be very tempted to scrub that sucker with as much Head & Shoulders as you can buy until it settles down to that relaxed, neutral silver you wanted. Er, no. Don't do that.

Very sorry to say this, but after all that damaging bleaching and dyeing and heat-styling - you should not wash your hair for at least 3-5 days, to let it heal. Just, wear a hat or something. Dry shampoo is great for getting your hair to look a bit more powdery-grey, too.

2.2 Maintenance

Say it with me: every time you wash your hair, you lose colour. You're in a race against the clock, where every shampooing is making your hair browner and browner. Chlorine, seawater, and other harsh solutions are going to strip your hair faster than the street workers in Les Mis.

Fear not - for I have bought almost every purple shampoo on the planet, and read more reviews than I can stand. Here, I shall share with you my knowledge.

The basic products you'll need are:

Purple shampoo. Does what it says on the tin; it deposits purple dye, to cancel out those yellowy-brown tones your hair is slowly developing. You will probably need to use this once a week or more.
A very moisturising, thick conditioner. This is to salvage your poor dry, brittle, heavily bleached hair.
Silver or grey box dye. You'll be mixing this with your lovely conditioner to add a little extra dye back into your hair each wash.
Leave-in heat protectant. Again, because of the bleaching.
Leave-in purple toner. Excellent for problem banding, or patchy spots.
Dry shampoo. To stop you from washing your hair every day.

I've managed to keep my hair acceptably-toned for anywhere from 2-6 months using this regimen, but your mileage may vary. You'll still have to return to the salon to get your roots bleached and re-dyed, but we want to keep you looking nice in between.

2.3 Purple shampoo

Okay, you don't have to use this every time you shampoo. Especially if you can't afford the higher-end products, and your purple shampoo dries your hair out like sodium hydroxide. But I highly recommend that you buy a good, quality purple shampoo and use it every time you wash your hair. I find that even one wash with regular shampoo, even colour-protect shampoo, strips all my grey out and leaves me brown. YMMV.

Because they work like dyes, you can increase the intensity of the colour deposit by leaving it on for longer. Anywhere from 5-20mins is recommended - but you can go up to 40mins if you're confident it won't send your head violet. I suggest slathering it on, massaging a little (not lathering!) into your hair, and wrapping it up in a plastic showercap. The heat of your head will help the colour transfer. You can also apply this selectively, to your roots or ends if they have "banded" - irregular layers of colour where one part of your head is more strongly bleached than another.

De Lorenzo Novafusion Silver Shampoo - $30 - $50
Blue-toned, low-staining, and minimally drying. This is an excellent product, but you'll be paying through the nose for it. What I love about it is that it's the only purple shampoo that's blue, not purple. It specifically targets orangey-red undertones, and I find it gives me the most "neutral" grey. No, do not use their violet novafusion shampoo, nor their grey shampoo. You want the silver one.

Alfaparf Milano That's It Grey Pride Shampoo - $20-30
Purple-toned, low-staining, minimally drying. Another great product. I find that it leans too purple for me, and tends to make my hair a little lavender-violet rather than effectively cancelling out my brassy tones. I do use this product to "warm up" an overly cool mix - it's excellent at returning a blue dye job to a neutral grey. Depending on which way your hair leans, you might find this more suitable as your regular shampoo than the De Lorenzo.

Fanola No Yellow Shampoo - $30-$50
Purple-toned, highly staining, moderately drying. You've seen it on Facebook, you've read rave reviews. Well, I'm sorry, but Fanola does not get my five stars. What the Fanola shampoo does do well, is that it is heavily pigmented. It's easily the most pigmented purple shampoo out there. What this also means is that your fingernails and cuticles are going to be purple for 7-10 days, and god forbid you use light coloured towels or pillowcases! The other downside to the Fanola is that it stinks. I mean, absolutely reeks. Sulfur/rotten-egg smell. If you've ever used a "Colour Remover" on your hair and remembered the awful smell, that's what's gonna happen. The sulfur compounds are reducing agents, which help the colour penetrate the hair follicle. Anyway. Yes, Fanola is powerful, but not so much more powerful than the De Lorenzo that it's worth smelling like rotten bin juice for. In my opinion.

Provoke Touch Of Silver Brightening Shampoo - $10-15
Purple-toned, highly staining, extremely drying. It works, but it'll ruin your hair while it does it. Also has this obnoxious candy-grape smell. Unless you're broke, don't use this.

Fudge Clean Blonde Violet Toning Shampoo - $20-40
Purple-toned, moderately staining, minimally drying. A great supermarket/pharmacy, off-the-shelf brand. I've not used this myself (watch this space!) but I hear very good things.

Clairol Shimmer Lights Shampoo - ???
The one, the only. The original. Indigo-toned, can't say anything about the other properties as I've not tried it. But this shampoo is powerful enough to tone hair all by itself, to the point where you'll see it used as a hair dye. I have no reason to doubt its place as the most popular purple shampoo on the internet.

You're also welcome to use whatever you can find in your local supermarket. The best way to start is by popping the cap, and taking a look at the formula if you can. The more strongly pigmented, and I mean - this stuff should look like squid ink - the more likely the product is to work.

2.4 Conditioner

Note that I've not given any recommendations for purple conditioners. They exist. They're rubbish and have zero colour-depositing ability. Yes, even the dark-coloured ones. Seriously, there is no point to using them.

Instead, I recommend that you buy your own el-cheapo brand of thick, greasy conditioner. Greasier the better! And what I want you to do is purchase some grey wash-out hair dye, squeeze the tube in, and mix it around. Voila, you've made your own colour-depositing conditioner. Leave it on for 10-30 minutes and you've not just done a deep conditioning treatment, but you've freshened up your colour.

There are two products that I consider an exception, because they actually have colour-depositing properties.

Schwarzkopf Extra Care Blonde Toner - $2-10
I swear to you. I have bought this for two dollars before, off the shelf. It's blue-toned, and yes you may need to use half the tube, but it has got to be the most cost-effective, gentle product that exists for toning grey hair. No joke. If you're looking for the cheapest solution, I'd point you right at this baby here. It's not as powerful as some of the purple shampoos, or some of the box dye/conditioner combos, but it does work. Leave it on for 30-45 mins.

oVertone Silver Complete System - $50
This is an amazing product. They sell colour-depositing conditioners and deep conditioning masks, with three levels of intensity (pastel, vibrant, and extreme) depending on where on the silver-grey continuum you'd like your hair to lie. They have swatches, samples, and are absolutely designed for people like us - unnatural colours, easy maintenance. They sell a bunch of other colour dyes, too, which are all compatible and wash-out friendly (5-10 washes). You can mix 'n' match to get that tricky neutral grey with their other pastel colours. I highly recommend their blog, too, for building your hair colour science skills. They're a great team, too, and will help you with any questions! I haven't used this system myself, because shipping from the USA is a wallet-killer, but I would recommend them mightily.

2.5 Box dyes

Now, there are other methods to dye your hair grey. If you're confident with hair products, you can use professional toners such as the ever-popular Wella 050 Colour Charm. However, these professional toning products require you to use developer - a.k.a. bleach. You've got to mix them in careful quantities, and they can't be slapped on over wet hair haphazardly. That's why I'm recommending you buy an 8-wash, semi permanent box dye and mix it with conditioner. It's a very forgiving and easy method to top up your colour.

Adore Titanium 155
It's very indigo-blue. This might be a good thing, if your hair is very brassy, or it might make you look a bit too blue if you use it as a weekly conditioner. I find it overall too cool for my hair, but I can't complain about the formula.

Manic Panic Smokescreen
Gods, I adore this dye. I adore it so much I have five other tubes of different colours, and I haven't touched them. Sorry, but this is The One for me. I'm sure you're looking at swatches going "What the hell?!". And yes, I'll warn you - here's the swatch.

Yes, I'm sure that's darker than the grey you intended. But what I adore about this product is the careful mix of blues and purples. Here, you can see it a bit better in a fade-out swatch:

Image result for manic panic smokescreen

At higher intensities, it's a purple-indigo - at lower intensities, a cooler blue. The product contains both pigments, and it pastelises (dilutes with conditioner) very smoothly and nicely. I find that the dark intended colour of the dye does a great job at replenishing the shade of my grey, which I like to be a little darker to match my cardigan, rather than a glowing silver. If you're aiming for silver hair, maybe this is the wrong product, but for a neutral smoky grey? I think this dye is amazing.

I'll update this section if I ever get out of my comfort zone to try something else. Sorry, Manic Panic has sold me.

2.6 Leave in products

By this stage, I'm sure you've noticed that your hair is very dry. Sad, even. Have no fear - leave in products do a wonderful job at protecting the hair and smoothing frizz.

Eleven Miracle Hair Treatment - $15-25
My absolute favourite product. This stuff truly is a miracle. It does an incredible job at revitalising my dry, damaged hair, without leaving it greasy. It interacts well with heat-styling, smooths flyaways and frizz, and has a delightful and gentle coconut scent. I seriously believe that everyone should use this product.

Marc Daniels Purple Leave-In Toner - ???
Bought this one out of a bargain bin. It was very weakly pigmented, stank like a tween popstar's signature fragrance, and didn't feel good in my hair. I had low expectations. But holy moley, this stuff is actually...good. You won't notice it fresh, but allow a little smear of the product to dry, and you'll see how deeply and vibrantly indigo it turns once it oxidises. I find this product does a great job of cancelling out any remaining brassy tones, especially in problem patches (back of my neck, it gets sweaty, I suspect the mini-saltwater bath ruins my colour) after I've towel-dried and noticed the yellow. I suspect there are better products out there that do the same thing, but the purple leave-in has become a part of my routine.

Don't worry about using two leave-in products. Your hair will be so porous and dry after bleaching, it'll happily soak them up without looking greasy.

2.7 Dry Shampoo

If you don't use dry shampoo already, I'm about to change your life. This stuff doesn't just instantly wash and degrease your hair. It doesn't just extend your 3-day shampoo-free locks into a 5 day shelf life. Oh, no. It does all that and more.

Dry shampoo can be sprayed on and brushed out for an instant de-grease. You'll use this to get you through the week without a shampoo. Yes, it's doable! You can also use dry shampoo to help disguise your roots, and add extra volume to your hairstyle. Brilliant stuff.

However, not all dry shampoos are created equal. I strongly recommend the Batiste brand. Failing that, Klorane is very popular, but personally I don't find that it works as well. Toni & Guy was the most disappointing $13 of my life. Don't buy a dry shampoo designed for dark hair - it's coloured brown.

3.1 Long Term

By your third or fourth touch-up, all banding and wonky blues and greens will usually resolve. Politely mention to your colourist if you think your mix is too warm or too cool, and ask them to adjust accordingly. If you have any stubborn orange or green patches, ask them to bleach over it when they do your roots. You may start with an ugly blue-yellow set of stripes, but it will smooth out as your colourist gets to know your hair, and you get to know your toning routine.

It's a lot of work, yes, but it's worth it. There's no better feeling than matching your hair to a fashionable grey jumper or scarf, or pair of trackies, and realising hey - that's my hair colour! Nice.

Bear in mind that your hair may never photograph well. Digital cameras have differing sensitivities, and they are always trying to "find" colour. Accept that you may look perpetually purple-haired, or blue-haired in photos. It's okay. You know it isn't true.

If you've got any questions, please comment and I'll do my best to answer. I'd also seriously welcome any tips from other grey veterans, or anybody else with experience maintaining a tricky hair colour.

Good luck, get ready to enjoy some dark lip colours, and enjoy!